Friday, December 20, 2013
Complaint #13 - Crick in the Neck
How is it possible to wake up, stretch and BAM!, crick in the neck? Seriously? I slept just fine, did nothing weird and I am subjected to not being able to turn my head to the left for three days? This cannot be real.
Complaint #12 - Decisions
Decisions are the worst. From the stupid little ones to the huge life-changing ones, every one is a pain in the ass. Each cuts off an entire realm of possibilities. Not going to the bathroom before you leave work means holding it uncomfortably on the way home. But taking two minutes to handle it before leaving work may mean the difference between arriving home at 5:40 or 6:00. Imagine the repercussions of the BIG decisions!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Complaint #11 - That Guy
You know the guy. That guy. The one whose every utterance annoys the hell out of you.
For some reason, you are forced to be around him because he is family or a co-worker or a classmate. You try to just tune him out and keep your distance. But he has an ignorant response for everything said in his general vicinity. Then you feel like if you don't disagree with him, he'll mistake it for agreement and be encouraged. And even when he says something that makes sense, you now hate him so much that you want to strangle him with his own entrails even when you are in agreement. I know that guy.
For some reason, you are forced to be around him because he is family or a co-worker or a classmate. You try to just tune him out and keep your distance. But he has an ignorant response for everything said in his general vicinity. Then you feel like if you don't disagree with him, he'll mistake it for agreement and be encouraged. And even when he says something that makes sense, you now hate him so much that you want to strangle him with his own entrails even when you are in agreement. I know that guy.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Complaint #10 - Offensive Descriptors
It's easy as hell to offend people. Did you know that midgets don't want to be called midgets? It's true. I understand that, but I'm not sure what to call them. "Little people" seems just as offensive to me, like they are somehow less of a person? Dwarf is correct, but I read a lot of fantasy fiction, so it seems odd. I'm thinking, "Where's your axe, Gimli?"
What if I have to describe a criminal midget to authorities? He was, uh...really short. The way to go is to just not describe people much at all or be more exact. The perp was about 3'10", 4'3" counting the purple mohawk.
Yeah, I know each of us is on more of a sliding scale with any descriptor. Skin color, weight, buoyancy...whatever. But it's just more convenient to use short-cut terms sometimes.
What if I have to describe a criminal midget to authorities? He was, uh...really short. The way to go is to just not describe people much at all or be more exact. The perp was about 3'10", 4'3" counting the purple mohawk.
Yeah, I know each of us is on more of a sliding scale with any descriptor. Skin color, weight, buoyancy...whatever. But it's just more convenient to use short-cut terms sometimes.
Everyone's favorite person with dwarfism.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Complaint #9 - Time Changes
Not the musical kind. Time changes in music are jammin'.
Whether it's spring forward, fall back or travel sideways through a wormhole, Daylight Savings Time changes are always disturbing. There's a higher incidence of car wrecks on the days following a time change. There's also a higher incidence of me forgetting to change my clocks.
Whether it's spring forward, fall back or travel sideways through a wormhole, Daylight Savings Time changes are always disturbing. There's a higher incidence of car wrecks on the days following a time change. There's also a higher incidence of me forgetting to change my clocks.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Complaint #8 - It is what it is.
It is what it is?
Well, of course it is! ARGH! This statement is not worthy of being heard aloud. This is said when you have nothing further to say about a subject, but love to hear yourself talk and cannot just shut your damn mouth.
Well, of course it is! ARGH! This statement is not worthy of being heard aloud. This is said when you have nothing further to say about a subject, but love to hear yourself talk and cannot just shut your damn mouth.
I don't know what this is.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Complaint #7 - Awkward Moments
That awkward moment when...
When you realize you hate that people say "That awkward moment when..." I have no idea what I am supposed to think. This meme does not amuse me. It's like saying, "I couldn't come up with a whole thought, so hey, here's half of one." Unacceptable. Awkward moment images can be cleverly captioned without the words awkward and moment. Even worse are the simple statements. "That awkward moment when your friend hates your favorite meme." Just tell the story already. "My friend hates my favorite meme." Hey, wow, it's not funny....either way.
When you realize you hate that people say "That awkward moment when..." I have no idea what I am supposed to think. This meme does not amuse me. It's like saying, "I couldn't come up with a whole thought, so hey, here's half of one." Unacceptable. Awkward moment images can be cleverly captioned without the words awkward and moment. Even worse are the simple statements. "That awkward moment when your friend hates your favorite meme." Just tell the story already. "My friend hates my favorite meme." Hey, wow, it's not funny....either way.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Complaint #5 - Drivers
I hate other drivers.
There are a million driving issues to complain about, so I will generalize and say all drivers suck. I am the exception, of course. I am a perfect driver always.
There are a million driving issues to complain about, so I will generalize and say all drivers suck. I am the exception, of course. I am a perfect driver always.
Probably not the worst driver.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Complaint #4 - Holding the Door
Awkward!
There is this awkward stretch of time when holding the door for someone is less of a kind thing and more of a make-you-look-like-an-idiot thing. If someone is very close to you, hold the door. That's easy. If they are all the way down the hall, don't hold the door. Also easy. But there is always this awkward moment when you hold a door for someone then they take 4-ev-R to get there. But once you realize you've misjudged, you can't just let the door go. No, sir. Because by then, they are closer! And put your self in that person's shoes too. That is pressure! Try to get to that held-open door in a socially reasonable time frame. Ugh.
I am going to start just racing to doors and slamming them behind me no matter how close people are. Then I will be interpreted as crazy and no one will mess with me.
There is this awkward stretch of time when holding the door for someone is less of a kind thing and more of a make-you-look-like-an-idiot thing. If someone is very close to you, hold the door. That's easy. If they are all the way down the hall, don't hold the door. Also easy. But there is always this awkward moment when you hold a door for someone then they take 4-ev-R to get there. But once you realize you've misjudged, you can't just let the door go. No, sir. Because by then, they are closer! And put your self in that person's shoes too. That is pressure! Try to get to that held-open door in a socially reasonable time frame. Ugh.
I am going to start just racing to doors and slamming them behind me no matter how close people are. Then I will be interpreted as crazy and no one will mess with me.
Legit.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Complaint #3 - Cockroaches
Cockroaches scare the hell out of me. They will jump on you and traumatize you. They are no less scary when called waterbug or palmetto. I find them in my garage sometimes and they can be huge. One day, I opened the door to the utility room in the back of my garage and one jumped from the door frame onto my head. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!
There are two times I am pleased to see a cockroach. I have found squished ones right where my tires drive over spots in the garage. Yeah! There's a point on my scoreboard.
Second, every so often I find one downstairs in the house torn limb from limb, body parts strewn in a small radius. I love cats. I recommend owning a cat if you live anywhere south of the Arctic Circle because they are vicious with roaches.
There are two times I am pleased to see a cockroach. I have found squished ones right where my tires drive over spots in the garage. Yeah! There's a point on my scoreboard.
Second, every so often I find one downstairs in the house torn limb from limb, body parts strewn in a small radius. I love cats. I recommend owning a cat if you live anywhere south of the Arctic Circle because they are vicious with roaches.
Not in my hair! ARGH!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Complaint #2 - Swallowing Wrong
Swallowing the wrong way
Why is so damn easy to swallow wrong? Major design fault. I swear I need to take classes to do this right.
Why is so damn easy to swallow wrong? Major design fault. I swear I need to take classes to do this right.
The universal sign of choking.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Complaint #1 - LMBO
People that use LMBO instead of LMAO.
An ass by any other name does not smell as sweet. Are you trying to be polite or something? We all know you mean ASS. I said ASS! ASS! ASS! Is that really so offensive a word that you can't even use an 'A' in a well-known internet acronym? You are not hiding anything. Children know what you mean.
An ass by any other name does not smell as sweet. Are you trying to be polite or something? We all know you mean ASS. I said ASS! ASS! ASS! Is that really so offensive a word that you can't even use an 'A' in a well-known internet acronym? You are not hiding anything. Children know what you mean.
Not my ass.
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